Αστεία (humorous)

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
--George Carlin

"Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint."
--Mark Twain

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
--Mark Twain

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
--Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

Famous last words:
1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
2. What happens if you touch these two wires tog---
3. Don't worry, it's not loaded.

Manual, n.:
A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need is in the others.
--Ray Simard

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong."
--H.L. Mencken

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for jerking off."
--Lily Tomlin

"A .44 magnum beats four aces."

"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
--Groucho Marx

"How come wrong phone numbers are never busy ?"

"Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners."

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
--Dean Martin

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
--Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

"I drink to make other people interesting."
--George Jean Nathan

"Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway."

"Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl."
--Mike Adams

Murphy's law about fall:
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
--Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"

"Auto racing fans fall into two categories: tattooed, shirtless, sewer-mouthed drunks; and their husbands."
--Winston-Salem (NC) Journal

"Asking a writer about critics is like asking a lamp post about dogs."
--Graham Beattie

"Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
--George Burns submitted by Rueben Aitchison

"The easiest way to change a woman's mind is to agree with her."

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

"Good fences make good neighbors."
--Robert Frost

"We hire people for their skills. Unfortunately, the whole person shows up."
--Mike Collins

"I am unique, just like everyone else."
--Raoul Rφntsch

"My poor little New Zealand: exporting frozen meat in peace, live meat in war."
--James Henderson

"I am free of prejudices, I hate everyone equally."
--W.C. Fields

"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going!!"

"Don't humble yourself, you're not that great."
--Golda Mier

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
--Fats Domino

"The draft is white people sending black people to fight yellow people to protect the country they stole from the red people."
--"Hair" (about vietnam)

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
--Robert Frost

"An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing."

"If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there."
--(about drugs)

"Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens and then everybody disagrees."
--Boris Marshalov

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day."
--Robert Frost

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
--Dave Barry

"Marlon Brando: Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper."
--Rex Reed

"Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes."

"Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Ah, Mozart! He was happily married -- but his wife wasn't."
--Victor Borge

"If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."
--Nirvana, Milk It

"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."

"Don't judge a book by its movie."

"No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong."

"There are two times I feel stress--day and night."

"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."

"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."

"Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."

"Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first."

"Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them."

"Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up."

"Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye."

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research."

"Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply."

"I said 'no' to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat ?"

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"I love cats... they taste just like chicken."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, and then you forget to pull your zipper down."
--Leo Rosenberg

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
--Robert Wilensky

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
--Jeff Valdez

To do is to be. (Aristotle)
To be is to do. (Plato)
Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra)
--seen on a post-it note

"The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important."
--Milo Bloom

"All my life I've wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific."
--Jane Wagner

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again."
--Joan Rivers

"It’s better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt."

"A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brain."

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
--Calvin and Hobbes

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
--A. Whitney Brown

"Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it."

"I hope life isn't a big joke... because I don't get it."

"There are 2 golden rules in life. Number one, never tell anyone everything you know."

"All men are equal but some men are more equal than others."
--George Orwell

"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people."
--Lucille S. Harper